My safe place.

My niece, T, one of the most amazing women in my life asked an interesting question of her readers on her blog...where is your safe place?

I have never thought of the answer to that question before, though I have been there many times in my life. After thinking about it for a few minutes, I think I have decided that it is my bed. As a small child I remember wanting my mom to come sleep with me. It must have been at times when I needed to feel loved or more secure. I would trip into mom and dad's bedroom and ask her to come sleep with me, then when she would refuse, like she always did, I would ask if I could sleep with them. When I was really little, they let me sleep between them. Then as I got older they would pull up the tucked in covers to make room for me at the foot of the bed instead. The night my father passed away (I was 30 by then), I made sure I was there to stay with my mom and sleep with her in her bed - so she wouldn't be alone...on the loneliest day of her life...or so I thought...maybe it was to comfort me too.

When Ted & I were married (in the early years), we would lay on the bed and look out the window and talk for hours. Our first apartment was a basement suite and the bedroom window looked out onto the back side of the landlord's flower beds...green and happy. Not long before Aaron was born, Ted convinced me that he needed his own bedroom. (His parents had separate bedrooms for most of their marriage). The ultimate rejection in my mind.

That's when I started letting Cathy sleep with me on a regular basis...my children became my security. I never turned them away. They both had their own beds, but when they wanted to sleep in my bed, I never turned them away. Even today, my best talks with my children are sitting or relaxing on my bed. We have read stories, laughed, cried, shared our lives in my bed.

After they grew up some, during my single years, I spent many hours reading, crying, watching movies, talking to loved ones on the phone; in my bed.

Now that I am happily remarried, my bed is OUR bed and is used more for rest, fun & love than security (but then maybe that's what security really is)...now the hot tub has become our favorite communication place. I still have talks with my kids on my bed, or their bed, but it is still a special place to me, regardless.

Advice on Strengthening Your Marriage

I attended a Marriage Class at a Women's Conference this weekend. We were all asked to submit one piece of advice that I wanted to share with you...for women from other women:
. Don’t loose sight of the big picture
· Use humor / laugh
· See him as Heavenly Father sees him
· Internalize the message that “men think to talk and women talk to think”
· Go ahead and go to bed “mad” (or at least with some unresolved issues). Discuss difficult issues when you are not tired.
· Don’t wait until the last minute to talk about something important – “get things out”
· When you feel a certain way, express it. Good as well as bad. Don’t keep anything bottled up inside.
· Spend time each day sharing uninterrupted conversation about how your day went. Ask questions and be interested in the answer.
· Ask for a hug when you need one.
· Ask yourself each day what you can do to make your spouse’s life easier that day
. Perform an act of service for your husband each day.
· “I’m not always right.”
· Treat him the way you want to be treated.
· Compliment on any and all positive (avoid negative)
· Learn his “love language” or how he wants to receive and feel loved (eg. Is it acts of service, verbal or written words, physical touch, time where you really listen.
· Beat the dog to the door when he comes home.
· Keep going on dates (arrange a sitter, pick a place) – keep romance alive.
· Work on communication.
· Try not to complain so much.
· Be spontaneous – try something new and fun together.
· Go on weekend get aways.
· Admire their strengths and be patient with weaknesses.
· Do something nice, that you don’t do everyday, like a hand rub, foot rub or breakfast in bed.
· Kiss, kiss, kiss
· Make great memories together and capture them.
· Stay close, sit close, sleep close, walk close – BE CLOSE
· Think kindly and speak kindly of him.
· A wife should be mindful not to take her husband for granted ….financially or any other way
· Give him plenty of notice when your birthday or anniversary is coming up.
· Don’t make a mountain out of a mole hill – overlook the unimportant little things.
· Don’t stop listening.
· Date Night!! Take turns being in charge…that way you can do things that each enjoys, each is good at.
· Love them for who they are and NOT for who you want them to be.
· Listen to his stories at least as long as you want him to listen to yours.
· Remember – HE is not your enemy.
· Apologize first.
· Make sure you let your spouse know (no matter how small) that they are on your mind constantly.
· Always engage your brain, before you engage your mouth.
· Start every conversation with a smile.
· Greet your husband with optimism. Be happy to see him and hear about his day (before launching into how hard your day was!)
· Lead your heart…You are in charge of your feelings, not him.
· Cultivate a desire to be with him; to enjoy his company; to hear his thoughts, his stories and his jokes (even if you have heard them before). Sit next to him, rub his back…whatever speaks love to him.
· Don’t assume you can reach a point where everything is okay, that you don’t need to try anymore. Effort to keep a marriage healthy is and eternal effort.
· Remember, he has agency and must have space and safety to make his own decisions.
· Two magic words, “Yes, dear”. Very freeing! The pressure just dissolves. I feel happy, generous, and relieved.
· When you are upset with him for something you cannot change, find memories or something that momentarily gives you a grateful perspective on him – choose to maintain that thought again and again and move forward….leave the other behind.
· Pray for your husband everyday.
· Think: Our marriage is perfect. Things go wrong in the world, but our marriage is perfect. Don’t blame your marriage.
· Pray to see your husband as Heavenly Father sees him.
· Even if dinner isn’t ready, have the table set and he’ll think it’ll be soon.
· Be flexible; be ready at a moments notice to go with him. Don’t have such a full and strict schedule that you can’t work him into it.
· Stop and take and take a few minutes before you respond to anything said in anger – forgive, forgive, forgive!
· Remember, that you are of worth.
· Talk with each other about all parts of your life and share good times and bad.
· When he had to travel, I left notes and a scripture in his lunch, truck, suitcase – just to lift him up and he returned home happily.
· If you want your husband to improve on some trait, compliment him in front of others as if he already does what you want and does it so well. It’s like a magic trick. He will automatically begin to fulfill that expectation.
· Don’t think about yourself and what you want. Be patient and loving.
· If you want something, ask him for it…he is not a mind reader.
· Never expect him to come home at a certain time; that way you’re not disappointed when he is late.
· Give him the benefit of the doubt.
· One way to make time to spend together is to play games after the kids are in bed.
· Send him flowers out of the blue.
· Be his biggest cheerleader.
· Cherish the blessings of your marriage and love daily.
· “O, be wise, What more can I say”
· Trust your husband to be able to do the things that you normally do.
· Teach your family to WORK together.
· Make sure and say, “I love you” every day.
· Laugh
· Overlook little mistakes your husband makes as he speaks…it doesn’t matter if he says DVD or VCR….Learn to restrain from correcting him. You will be at ease…let it go!!!
· Sometimes, it is almost impossible to have a neat and tidy home at the end of the day. On those days (which was most everyday when the children were young) I would let my husband know where the clean room, corner or spot was for the day. That let him know that order was also important to me, but I was just unable to achieve it that day. It really helped.
· Try to really understand your spouse. When he speaks, listen carefully to what he is saying instead of formulating in your mind what you are going to say. Repeating what he said in your own words will help.
· Laugh a lot and just be easy to live with. Don’t be overly sensitive!
· When we are getting ready for bed and it is just the two of us, I often say things like, “Who loves me in this house?” and he raises his hand. I will also ask yes/no questions that give him a chance to tell me how much he loves me….If I ask a question like, why do you love me…he and I both laugh when he says….”oh no, an essay question.” It is so good to laugh and not pout when you want to be told you are loved!
· Serve together. Do not get into the trap of thinking – “that’s his calling” or that’s HIS problem…he got himself into this. Support him in his generous feelings…help him to serve…be there to cheer him on, iron his shirt, help him find his keys….If you want a good man, help him and support him in his efforts to be one. It will come back to you a thousand fold when you need his support!
· Express your gratitude for your spouse to Heavenly Father.
· On our honeymoon, we made a list of all the reasons that we loved one another and we put it with our patriarchal blessings. We have made new lists on our 5th, 10th, 15th, etc. anniversaries.
· After we say our prayers as a family, we say nice things about the person who said the prayer. It is such a positive way to end our day.
· Cultivate interests….read good books, read the paper….have interesting conversations that are not just about what is happening at home. Conversations about Conference talks or Ensign articles are stimulating and draw you closer to one another.
Cultivate similar interests…get involved in something TOGETHER.
· Always kiss your spouse good night.
. Pray together and pray for each other, even in little things.
· Look for little ways to serve each other and be courteous to each other – remember please, thank you, excuse me is not just for guests.
· Remember your husband is a gift from Heavenly Father and he has many talents and gifts, but one of them in NOT the capacity to read your mind. Be kind to the both of you and don’t expect him to! Give him the gift of knowing your heart – your joys, your fears, your hopes, your needs, your desires and most importantly, your faith in him and in our Savior and in the Gospel. · Find things to do together that you both enjoy, but allow each other to continue to pursue individual activities or hobbies.
· Work on your relationship with yourself and with the Lord before trying to FIX your marriage or parenting.
· Laugh with, never AT your spouse.
· Do not discuss him with anyone else. You must learn to work things out WITH him.
· If it is not eternally important, compromise…Cap off the toothpaste – it is not life shattering.
· When I disagree, I say “You may be right” and let it go.
· I will not engage in an argument because the spirit will not be there.
· Along with physical fidelity within marriage, emotional and spiritual fidelity is just as important. Don’t ever allow yourself to lean more on someone other than your husband for emotional and spiritual strength.
· We have read the scriptures every day. We have not missed. When either of us is out of town, we call and have scripture study and family prayer. This has helped me to feel closer to my husband and to love him more each day.
· Serve without keeping score.
· Agree to disagree – my mom always said never go to bed angry, but I found we would just stay up all night upset. So we agree to disagree – go to bed – and amazingly, things look so much better in the morning.
· Remember daily the reasons I fell in love with my husband.
· When watching videos together, sit close and snuggle.
· “You don’t stop dancing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop dancing!” Keep the fun in your marriage.
· Remember these three words: you’re probably right!
· If work allows, call just to say I love you.
· End of the day ritual…as we lay on our pillows at the end of the day, we tell each other the best thing that happened that day.
· You may not realize it yet, but men have tender feelings. Their feelings can get hurt easily. Speak to them with care.
· When we do something for each other that is outside of what we WANT to do…we call it a “true love” e.g. letting him have a nap on a Sunday afternoon while you entertain the kids; letting him go on a bike ride every Saturday; It lets him know that you are giving him a gift without pouting!
· We find time to talk, even with 6 children at home. We find a quiet place in the home – living room, our bedroom and we go in there and talk. We don’t let the kids interrupt and they get it, they leave us alone while we visit….my little thing that I do is sit on the edge of the tub when he is taking a shower and listen and visit. I could stay in bed…for me, it is a way of saying I love you!

Time Flies

Hello,
I can hardly believe that it has been an entire year (actually, more than that) since I last wrote. I have no excuses, only realize that this isn't one of my priorities...most of the time my free time is spent watching TV (which I have always loved doing), just vegging, playing on my new iPod Touch or working my part-time at home jobs. I guess I just don't think my life is all that interesting...the same stuff, over and over again.

But the other day, Tim did this kind little act for me that made me think that it's time to just record stuff that I'm grateful for - no, not because Oprah thinks its a good idea, but because I really am soooooo blessed.

You all know how nuts I was about Tim when we got married, but I just want to let you know that I'm still nuts about him, even after nearly 5 years. We "really" know each other now, and we still have fun together and laugh (alot) and do nice things for each other and all that stuff that I just knew it was supposed to be like. I still haven't lost that extra 100 lbs, and he still loves me anyway. Ya, ya we argue too and disagree on alot of things and get disappointed in each other - but that was what I expected too. But the love bank is still plenty full, and the withdrawals are fewer than the deposits. Yeah! My motto when I was single: It takes a reallly good man to be better than NO man. My new motto: Now that I've found Mr. Right, I just have to remember that he's not Mr. Perfect.

Just got called to teach MiaMaid class at church...excited and apprehensive too. I'm working 3 part-time jobs, but again, so grateful to be working at all. Anna is still unemployed, but works as my personal maid for a few bucks a week...sweet. She's hoping to take a college class in January just to get her feet wet and get going with the "next" season of life. Aaron is finished with the football season (no state championship this year), and he's on the stunt team for the basketball season...throwing cheerleaders around. He's pumped;)

Life is good. OK, so now let's hope I don't go another year before I write again.

Memories of Mom

My mom is an amazing woman. During her life, she has been sweet and loving, thoughtful and kind, spunky and irritating, but now she is old and tired. She is still all those wonderful things, but it is just really sad to see the real her going away a little bit at a time. My mom is 90 and has lived a very productive and happy life, except for the part where my dad died 20 years ago and left her to do this last part alone. She has lived from riding a horse to school, no TV or even telephones in every home, to the boom of the age of information & technology and all that entails. She never did really figure out how to use a computer, but she appreciated that her children could master such mysteries. She gloried in the achievements of her children and grandchildren, basked in the associations of good family and friends, trudged thru the hard times with a positive attitude and demonstrated the "endure to the end" as best she could. The "end" is swiftly approaching, but she is still giving it her all and we are all blessed for having been loved by her.

My dad loved her. It was simple and pure and they argued and frustrated each other just like all married couples, but I always knew how much they adored each other. Mom always felt so blessed that dad would love a fat girl. Mom would never start her meal before dad got there - the kids could eat, but she would wait to share hers with him. It didn't matter how late he got in from whatever he was doing. When he needed a lunch in the fields, she always put on the whole spread - not just a sandwich and a drink. They never slept in separate rooms or separate beds. The night dad died, I went and spent the night with mom and slept in her bed, so she wouldn't be alone that night. It was probably for me as much as for her; I didn't get to say goodbye to him - he went too fast - at least mom got to hold his hand one more time before he passed. He respected all women, but most of all mom. He never let the girls be around when he had indelicate farm stuff to do. He had to let mom help occasionally when there was no one else who could. She made endless trips to town for parts and farm necessities, and waited endless hours in the car while he did farm business. He was a hard worker and provided for our family to the best of his ability. I never wanted to disappoint him. If I did something wrong, my worst punishment would be to have to tell him what I had done...which mom made me do - for my own good.

They loved to dance together and sing and play and work. We didn't go on vacations together, having cows to milk twice a day was how we survived, but the fun times were plentiful in family dinners and games and memorable activities right at home. They would "go for a drive" and I was blessed to be able to go with them (I don't think I had much choice), but they loved to look at the land and other people's crops and appreciate the bounties the Lord provided to all, friends and neighbors alike. My siblings and their spouses and all those nieces and nephews would come home and we would have wonderful family times. I always wanted to be married, so I would fit into that group...instead of being one of the kids. Ironic, now that I'm finally married to someone who would fit into that group, we live too far away to participate in stuff like that. Each of my brothers & sisters are grandparents now and building their own family memories...the cycle continues.I'm grateful for the life I have been blessed with.

My mom and dad were irreplacable, as all moms and dads should be. Soon she will be with dad again and will be waiting for all of us to join them, so we can have more of those fun family times together. May we all live so we can be together again...as an eternal family. May we continue to teach our little ones (and those not so little anymore) that it is always worth the effort to choose the right, to believe in ourselves and to want to be our best - just like mom and dad.

Thank You

There is NOTHING more frustrating than seeing your child in pain or distress and not being able to actually DO anything for them. We do everything for them for so many years that it is no wonder that sometimes we have a difficult time letting them grow up.

Yet, as I received life and soul saving aid from my dear family when I was younger (how often boggles the mind), I am once again being aided by their generous and loving hearts and hands. I have always felt that I have been a lifter in this life - helping others wherever possible (and I know I have done that for many), yet for some reason, I have always been a leaner on my family to help me thru crisis after crisis in my life. I guess that is what this whole earth existence is all about...love one another...however and whenever possible.

Thank you, yet again, for being there for me and mine. I love you.

from mom to daughter

This one is specifically for my daughter. I'm sorry to drag the rest of you thru this. It's amazing how hard it is to say what's in your heart when you are with each other...mostly because we are both crying so hard we can't speak a word and the noses are running faster than the Waterton River (which really isn't a very fast flowing river, but it never seems to stop).

We spent some wonderful time together last weekend - I'm finally in Canada and got to spend my first weekend here with her. I'm so glad I was able to be there for this important time in her life. Forgiving her dad will be a life long project - until she can actually see him again in the eternities. But I'm so glad she has reached the stage to begin the process. We cried so hard we were both ill the next day, but it was SOOOOO worth it.

Yes, Cathy, you are very much like him. I've been saying those words in my head for many years now, but couldn't say them out loud because you would be completely and totally offended. But God has taken those similar character traits and bent them to shape you into the woman you are today...and will continue to do so until you are refined and ready to stand before Him again.

Thank you for continuing to pick yourself up. Thank you for choosing the right. Thank you for not giving up, even though that is exactly what you wanted to do a million times already in your life. Thank you for having backbone and standing up for what you believe to be true. Thank you for forgiving me. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for still turning to me, even though I live so far away. Thank you for understanding all that, even though it makes your life more difficult.

You are amazing and I am blessed to have you in my life.

Ok, enough blubbering - have a great long weekend everybody.

Lose the Dipper

The Bucket & Dipper Parable
By Mary Ellen Edmunds

Once upon a time it was discovered that everyone has a bucket. No kidding. It’s a bucket which is kind of like a cup, in that it can be filled…even to overflowing. I guess it’s sort of like a source of peace, comfort, love, strength, and such. And the fuller it is, the easier it is to share what’s in the bucket with others.

There are a lot of wonderful ways in which we can put things in each others’ buckets. For example, we can say “Good Morning!” when we see each other. That’s a great way to put something in someone else’s bucket. And you can double the contribution by adding someone’s name – that’s even better. Other things which can fill up a bucket are hugs, listening, sincere praise, pointing out strengths, being appreciative, being sensitive to needs (and doing something about them, when you can), cheerfulness, honesty, patience (almost sounds like a description of THE PURE LOVE OF CHRIST: CHARITY, when you think about it). Anyway, one of the things we all ought to spend time doing is helping to fill others’ buckets.

Now…it must needs be, so they say, that there is opposition in all things. And so, just as we all have a bucket, we all have a dipper. Yup. And sometimes other people can get their dipper in your bucket!! It’s been known to happen.

Just imagine that we’re going out to eat with some friends – nice table cloth and all – first class. Silverware is nice, place is lovely, I’ve just had a bath and I’m feeling good. I am sitting at the table, visiting…and I accidentally knock over my glass of V-8 juice. Big Red Spot!!! I am so embarrassed. I am turning redder than I’m usually red. But the juice just keeps crawling across the table right toward my friend…it’s like a flood…it won’t stop…and then finally it does it - - - it dribbles on her! She jumps a little, but is being nice even though it’s wet and gooey. Then my husband (or wife), old “bright eyes” down the table a little, looks up and says, “You spilt your juice.” HE GOT HIS DIPPER IN MY BUCKET!

Tell me how old you have to be to know you made a mistake…that you’re not yet perfect. Can you ever remember sitting down to breakfast with your family and your little brother spilled his milk? And about 35 people (it seemed) said, “You spilled your milk!” All those great big dippers in that little tiny bucket!

Have you ever noticed that when your bucket is low or empty, when you need most to have someone put something in it…THAT is when you’re most irritable to people? We chase people away when we need them most. We try hard to figure out WHY we run around with our dippers out. We’re busy trying to get our dippers in other people’s buckets – and they don’t want their bucket to have our dipper in it!

This is where the trap is. Have you ever noticed that when you get your dipper in somebody’s bucket…you’re pointing out something WRONG with them? You tell your spouse he’s got wrinkles in his socks…and he hasn’t got ‘em on yet. You tell your friend she’s moody and you find out she’s got a tooth ache or got a sad letter. You tell someone there’s a spot on their face and find out your glasses are dirty. YOU’VE GOT YOUR DIPPER IN SOMEONE ELSE’S BUCKET! It might feel good, sort of, when you first shove your dipper into someone’s bucket, but after awhile, it doesn’t feel good anymore.

Do you know what a DIP-IN is? It’s not exactly like a drive-in or a sit-in…it’s when several get together and just dip someone good! Next time you realize that’s happening, point it out…STOP IT! “Hey, we’ve all got our dippers in this friend’s bucket! Let’s fill it, instead of emptying it!”

Sometimes you say to yourself, “Self, she’s got a lid on her bucket!” Or you may ask, “Hey, does anyone know where I can buy a lid for my bucket?” There are a lot of DIPS around these days. Some may even think they don’t have a bucket! Or you may feel that your bucket’s been shot full of holes.

Well, for SURE, we’re just not the same when our bucket is empty, and that’s all there is to it. AND we’re not the same when we’re dipping instead of filling, and that’s all there is to that, too! My friends keep your dipper out of others’ buckets. FILL their buckets…you’ll discover yours is getting fuller too. Full and overflowing…you’ll have so much, much more to share. It really could be that way. It really CAN be that way. Love One Another. Enrich and Lift and Bless and Fill One Another.